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Q: How can you tell the difference between bagpipe tunes?
A: By their names!

Q: What can a picnic table do that a bagpiper can't do?
A: Support a family of six.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up  a bagpipe.

Q: Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: What's the definition of "optimism"?
A: A bagpiper with a beeper.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a piper's arm?
A: A tattoo!

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the first sacrifice a person must make to become a piper?
A: Her sense of pitch.

Q: What single thing can you do to most greatly improve the quality of your bagpipe music?
A: Play it on the piano.

Q: How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five - one to screw it in and four to criticize his fingering!

Q: What's this:  X  X  X  ?
A:  Three drummers co-signing a loan.

Q: Why does the Great Highland Bagpipe have so many drones?
A: To help conceal the sound of the chanter.

Q: How do you get a piper off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: How do you get a piper to play really slow?
A: Put sheet music in front of her.

Q: Why can't a gorilla play the drums?
A: Gorillas are too sensitive.

Q: What should you do if you run over a bagpipe?
A: Back up.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a piper?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why do bagpipers always march when they play?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q: What's worse than a drum?
A: Drums.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes and doesn't.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A bagpiper.

Q: How do you get two bagpipers to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: What is one thing you will never hear a drummer say?
A: "Hey - why don't we try one of my songs?"

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune the lawnmower.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Did you hear about the piper who locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.


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Q: What's one thing you will never hear someone say?
A: Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q: What do a drum salute and a sneeze have in common?
A: You know it's imminent, but you can't stop it.

Q: What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you call a good musician at a drumming competition?
A: A visitor.

Q: How do you get revenge on your on enemy?
A: Buy each of his children a drum.

Q: What's the best thing to play on a set of bagpipes?
A: A flamethrower.

Q: What's the difference between a savings bond and a drummer?
A: Someday the bond will mature and make some money.

Q: What does it mean when a bagpiper is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How late does the bagpipe band play?
A: About a half beat behind the drummers.

Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it.

Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How can you tell there's a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking gets faster.

Q: Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: If you drop a drummer and a piper off of a tall building, which one will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?


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